Tiny Terror of Revoltingness
by cgaussie01
Summary: Roxanne and Megamind were prepared to spend a night babysitting a friends son, but what happens when Roxanne has to go due to an urgent matter with work? Can Megamind and Minion watch a baby for a few hours?


"Roxanne we don't have any milk. Why don't we have any milk? We never have any when I want some." Megamind announced as he stood at her fridge door, holding it open and glaring at its contents with such a dislike for not having the drink he wanted.

"I told you I was going to run by the store and get some before Mary shows up." Roxanne replied from the bedroom where she was just finishing off drying the ends of her hair after her afternoon shower. Mary was a friend from college, who she now also worked with at KMCP 8, but she had recently given birth to a little boy she had named Maxwell - Max for short. However today it was Roxanne who was going to watch the three month old Max, since Mary had an important dinner to go to with her husband who was a doctor.

That meant babysitting, and Megamind had decided to stop by (with Minion of course) in order to observe just how a woman properly treats a baby. After all, his upbringing had been done by prisoners in a jailhouse. Hardly what some people would consider an ideal location for a baby.

"When is she getting here? It's already five!" Megamind complained as he shut the door.

"The traffic does appear to be fairly busy today." Minion said as he peered out over the patio that Roxanne had, staring at the traffic below them in the city streets.

"Must be held up." Roxanne mumbled as she walked out into the lounge, running her fingers through her hair. "No biggie."

"Yes biggie!" Megamind replied, "What kind of a woman can't keep to her schedule? Just what kind of mother is she?" he asked.

"A good one!" Roxanne shot back, but then laughed. "Relax, Megamind. Babies tend to make schedules really hard to keep. Any moment they might need a feeding, or a change, a cuddle, a nap... it's hard to predict babies."

"Can't be that hard. If a bunch of criminals can raise me I don't see what the big challenge is." Megamind scoffed as he threw himself onto the couch and kicked his feet up on the coffee table. Roxanne was just about to reply that she didn't think that his 'uncles' had done that much of a bang up job when the announcer box on her wall by her door buzzed.

She went over and pressed the button. "Mary?"

"That's my name, don't wear it out." came Mary's reply. "Sorry for running late, Max kind of grossed on his clothes and I had to change him."

"No worries, come on up." replied Roxanne before turning to her boyfriend, who had turned around and was now kneeling on the couch, peering over the back of it to stare at her. "See? I told you. Babies ruin your schedules."

"Grossed on?" Megamind echoed the earlier statement. "What does that mean?"

"Any number of things. You don't want to know." Roxanne had to suddenly consider what kind of babysitter Megamind would make. Would he even know how to hold a baby properly? Surely he could remember being held, being looked after by his uncles. If he could remember his parents putting him into his space pod to save him from being killed with the rest of his kind, he could no doubt remember being a baby in prison.

The door bell rang and after a few hurried hellos, thank yous, and the handing over of the baby Max as well as a large baby bag, Mary was gone, already running late and her husband was double parked downstairs. Max was a black haired little boy with sharp blue eyes, and was dressed in a replica of the Wolf Costume that Max from Where the Wild Things Are book. It fit snugly around his chubby face with two pointy ears on top, and a little fluffy grey trail hang down from his rear.

"Oh my gosh look at you, you are so adorable in your little wolf suit!" Roxanne cooed, handing Megamind the baby bag and the ex-villain almost collapsed under the weight of it. Just what did she carry in here? Minion hurried over and lifted up the bag and set it aside as he, and Megamind once he got to his feet again, watched Roxanne with the baby.

"Observe Minion, the female subject appears smitten with the child despite it not being her own..." Megamind whispered harshly, to which the little fish nodded his body in his dome.

"Well ladies tend to fall for babies pretty quick, Sir. At least that's how it goes in movies." Minion replied just as harshly.

"Guys, please!" Roxanne laughed a little, unable to help but be amused at their observations. "Come on you're acting like you've never seen a baby before."

Minion and Megamind shrugged as one. "In the evil business you don't really go around touching babies. If you do it's considered 'crossing a line' and I don't want to go crossing no lines I'm not meant to. I was a respectable evil villain, after all." Megamind explained before taking a few more cautious steps forward, staring at the baby who was staring at him. He winced and shut an eye, and turned his head away. Babies tended to start crying when they saw him, and he didn't especially want one screaming in his ear.

Max, though, only gurgled in a pleased little way and clapped his hands together.

"Aww...! He likes you!" Roxanne gushed, carrying the baby through so she could sit on the lounge. "He's got a funny head, doesn't he? Yes he does!" she traced the little boy's cheek.

"I do not have a funny head!" Megamind replied, insulted. "My head is not funny, is it Minion?" he asked, turning to the fish.

"Well it is a little funny shaped but not funny ha-ha funny in a 'what?' kind of way? I think that's better...!" Minion replied before chuckling at the look Megamind had put on his face. "I'm kidding Sir! Your head is fine. Impressively large and intimidating."

"I should say so!" snorted the ex-villain.

Minion peered down at the baby too, a little more careful than Megamind was since he wasn't made of flesh and blood. He was all gears, fake fur, and sharp metal bits. None of which were good for a baby to come in contact with. Grinning faintly he watched as Max had a good look around at his new surroundings, "He's certainly bright isn't he?" he asked.

"Mmm. They tend to be once they get past a few weeks old." Roxanne replied as she rocked him gently.

"Not nearly as bright as _I_ was." snorted Megamind as he walked around the couch and sat to Roxanne's right. "I was operating power tools when I was just a few weeks old."

"Yeah well, human babies don't develop as fast as blue skinned alien babies." Roxanne smiled faintly, reaching out and touched his knee with her hand fondly. "It will be a long time until this little guy handles power tools."

"Tch." Megamind shrugged before looking down at the baby, who once again was staring at him intently. "What? Why are you staring at me?"

"It's because he's never seen anything like you before, probably. Maybe he likes the color blue?" Roxanne ventured a guess. "You can't know what babies are thinking." she said as she traced her finger along the baby's arm and he snagged it, wrapping his fingers tightly around her finger. "Oh, you got me now!" she smiled. "Wow, got some strength in you, boy."

Megamind pursed his lips together as he watched Roxanne coddle over this little human being who was incapable of speech, had poor motor skills, incapable of moving themselves, and had to be not only fed but also... 'changed'. Why was it that women found helpless things so utterly adorable like that? Was it calling to a basic instinct within them all to have their own babies? Did _Roxanne_ want a baby? How would she have one? ...could she, anyway?

His train of thought was interrupted by Roxanne's phone suddenly ringing. "Oh! Get that for me?" she asked him, and he nodded before leaping off the couch and rushing to the house phone and answered.

"Roxanne Ritchi's phone, this is Megamind the incredibly handsome heroic genius and master of all gallantry?" he answered, already twirling the phone chord around his finger as he spoke. It was a very long chord and could probably reach all the way to the kitchen, or even the couch. "U-huh. U-huh." he said, nodding his head. "I see. Emergency you say? But not the type needing hero-ing? U-huh. U-huh. Okay." he lowered the phone and looked to Roxanne. "Emergency at work? There was a big car accident and there's a pile up a mile long."

"U-huh?" she asked, "And I care why?" she asked.

"Well as a reporter you have to be there." Megamind said, "You're on call right?" he asked, before speaking into the phone. "She's on call today? I thought she had the day off. ...u-huh. U-huh." Megamind looked back to her, "You're on call. You have to go."

Roxanne frowned, before looking down at Max. She couldn't take him with her could she? Chewing at her bottom lip she thought quickly. It wouldn't take too long to get there, set up and do a shoot, and get back here. She'd be gone, what, two hours at best? She looked at her boyfriend who was back on the phone talking to her boss, probably, and then at Minion who was looking at her in a way that told her he knew what she was thinking.

"You can trust us, Ms. Ritchi." Minion replied in a calm, comforting tone. "I know a few things about child rearing from watching day time television. And I think it'd be good for Sir to... you know. Interact with a baby. Don't you think so?"

"Maybe but... are you sure? He's not going to experiment on him, is he?" she asked.

"He'd never experiment on a baby, even when he was a bad guy." Minion replied honestly. "Remember Ms. Ritchi, it was about him and Metro Man. Never involved babies of any kind. Exceeppppt when he tried turning all of Metro City into toddlers. Remember that?"

"I remember." Roxanne said sourly.

She got to her feet and looked down at Max, before looking back at Minion. "Uh. Can I hand him to you?" she asked.

Minion looked down at his cold, robot hands and gave her an awkward smile. "Probably not."

Megamind had just hung up when he turned to find Roxanne standing in front of him. Giving a sudden yelp he jumped back, grasping at his chest. "Don't _do_ that!" he squeaked, hearts racing. "W-what is it, why are you looking at me like that?" he asked.

"I have to go to work. You have to watch Max." she said, and gestured to his arms. "Here, hold your arms like I am, I'll hand him over."

"What?" Megamind asked.

"You heard me, you spoke to my boss. I gotta go, I won't be gone long, a few hours tops. Now come on, please? For me?" she asked, batting her eyes at him as incentive to sway him.

Megamind chewed at his bottom lip, then at Minion who gestured with a 'go on!' expression on his face. Sighing, Megamind held his arms out. He was instructed on how to hold the baby, to support his head, and his bottom half, and soon he was holding Max while Roxanne ran through to her bedroom to try to find a decent dress that would work well with the weather outside, and the situation she was having to report on. Nothing too sexy...

He stared down at Max, who gurgled up at him. "I had to take my gloves off for you, I hope you appreciate this." Megamind grumbled, since spike covered gloves were not child-friendly. Even his shoulder plates were gone, and that also meant his cape as well so he stood there skinny as a stick in black spandex and custom baby seal leather boots. Megamind never liked wearing just these things, it just seemed to cement the fact he was so... well. _Alien_compared to Roxanne who had curves and more weight to her figure. But he watched her as she picked out different dresses, Max seemingly quite content to be held by the skinny man.

"Okay you have my number, call me if something happens." Roxanne said once she was at the door, wearing a deep blue dress with a black belt, and a small jacket over her shoulders. "You sure you'll be all right?"

"No." Megamind replied flatly before giving a small laugh, "Got ya, didn't I? No. No. We'll be fine, fine! How hard can it be to watch a miniature human being?" he asked.

She smiled, before leaning in and quickly pressed a tiny kiss to his lips. "Be good." Roxanne whispered before going through the door and shutting it behind her.

"Why does she always say that when she leaves?" Megamind asked Minion, who only shrugged.

Max, suddenly, erupted into a high pitched scream that caused some of the nuts and bolts in Minion's robot body to vibrate rapidly. Megamind yelped and tilted his head away, shutting his eyes. "Whoa whoa! Turn him off!" he said, holding the screaming baby at arms length, trying to put as much distance between him and Max as possible.

"You can't turn him off!" Minion called back, putting his hands over the two small metallic vents that acted as his 'ears' on the suit. "Babies don't come with remote controls, Sir!"

"Well they should!" Megamind replied loudly, moving around the floor, baby still at arms length. "How do you turn it off without a remote?"

"Maybe he's uncomfortable! Or he's gassy! Or need a nappy change! Or hungry? or it might just be because he can!" said the fish as he grabbed the large baby bag and opened it up. Within were changes of clothes, a whole lot of diapers, a changing blanket, a regular blanket to wrap the baby in, bottles of milk along with even a small saucepan in which to boil water in and then heat the bottle by putting it inside. Then there was the food jars, all tiny and written with what was in each one. It looked as though Mary had packed everything and the kitchen sink into this bag, no wonder it had been so heavy.

"Is there an instructions manual?" Megamind asked as he stood over the bag, staring down at it as Minion rooted through.

"Sir, babies do NOT come with instruction manuals either!" Minion replied before pulling out a few small color books, obviously story time books. He tossed them aside.

"Ugh, babies need more instructions and remotes!" Megamind complained.

"Here, here! First try, food." Minion said as he held up the sauce pan and a milk bottle. He hurried to the kitchen and quickly filled the saucepan with water and set it on the stove. "Maybe you could try singing to him? You know calm him down?" he asked.

"Sing?" Megamind asked, taken aback by such a request. Maybe it would work? He stared down at the baby who he had repositioned against his chest, and began to shake him to a song he had in his head, and tapped his foot to keep time as Minion boiled the water.

"See me ride out of the sunset on your color TV screen, out for all that I can get. If you know what I mean? Women children left of me, women to the right. Got no gun, got no knife. Don't you start no fight. Cuz I'm , I'm dynamite. T.N.T, and I'll win the fight. T.N.T I'm the power load, T.N.T, watch me explooooodddeeeeeee..." Megamind sang, as quietly as he could despite the song being one that would be normally accompanied by a pair of guitars, a beating drum, and a loud singer.

"Sir I don't think AC/DC is suitable lyllabye songs." Minion said with a scowl.

"How about Black Sabbath? Led Zeppelin? ZZ Top?" Megamind asked, as Max continued to cry without purpose in his arms. He looked back down at the baby, and tried another song he knew. "When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city, to see a marching band..." yes, a slower song was good! Max was already beginning to calm down, his cries lowering in volume, and the tears streaming down his face began to slowly stop. "He said son when you grow up would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned? He said will you defeat them, your demons, and all the non-believers, the plans that they have made?"

Minion watched before quickly checking the temperature of the bottle with a built in temperature gauge his body had, and finding it to be a suitable level he walked back to his boss.

"Because one day I'll leave you a phantom to lead you in the summer to join the black parade..." Megamind continued softly, and Minion pushed the bottle into his view, interrupting him. "Hey I was just getting to the good part..." whined the alien.

"Sir, remember. He might be hungry." Minion offered.

Sighing, Megamind took the bottle and made his way to the couch and sat. It took some maneuvering but he finally got the bottle into the baby's mouth. Max grumbled at first and his tiny fists pushed at the bottle for a moment before he seemed to realize just how hungry he was, and began to drink hungrily. "Whoa look at him go! That's some power right there." Megamind mumbled.

"You used to down bottles like this in seconds, remember Sir?" Minion asked as he returned to the kitchen to empty out the saucepan of water.

"Oh yes, I remember." Megamind chuckled at the memory. With his fast metabolism it meant he needed feeding every other hour, and when he was it usually meant a good few bottles of milk and not just one. Then he'd fuss just for fussing sake, and whine, just to see the looks of complete loss on the guard and prisoners faces. "Good times."

"I remember when you would threaten to hold your breath, and Uncle Skinner said that how would that help since you were already blue in the face!" Minion laughed, drying the saucepan and returned it to the bag.

"Oh man Uncle Skinner he was a laugh and a half!" agreed Megamind. "I wonder what he's doing now."

"Thirty to life, Sir."

"Oh yeah."

Max soon finished the milk, and Megamind handed the empty bottle back to Minion who went to clean it out. Looking down at the baby, who was now looking fairly sleepy and content, Megamind smirked. Well, this wasn't so bad was it? Little feeding, a little coddling here or there, seemed the baby was easy, why had he been so-then Max started crying again. Groaning, he jiggled the baby in his arms. "OH what is it _now?_" he asked, exasperated. "Minion he's screaming again!"

"Try burping him, Sir!" Minion called back from the kitchen.

"Burping him?" Megamind asked.

"You remember sir, you set them on your shoulder and pat their backs? He might be gassy! But wait wait wait!" the fish hurried back to his boss, and grabbed a tiny shoulder blanket from the baby bag and helped Megamind to his feet and slung the tiny blanket on his shoulder. "This way in case he throws up it won't-"

"In case he _what?_" Megamind asked, voice raising despite his best efforts to portray the horror and disgust on his face. "Take him off me, take him!"

"I can't Sir!" Minion said, stepping back and holding his hands up. "Cold metal hands aren't good for a baby!"

"Babies are disgusting!" Megamind squealed with disgust, but knew he had no other way to do it. He rested the wriggling, unhappy Max on his shoulder and patted his back. He shut his eyes tightly and braced himself for the waterfall of vomit to come spewing out of the baby, but all he heard was a simple 'urp' noise and that was all. Opening an eye slowly, he peered at Minion. "Did he throw up?"

"No, Sir. Which is good since do you know how hard it is to get vomit out of leather?" Minion asked with a small smile.

"Not funny, Minion."

It wasn't too long after that when Max actually fell asleep. Both Minion and Megamind sat on the couch watching the Live news and Megamind couldn't help but sit up and smile broadly when Roxanne's face appeared on the television. Despite reporting a massive collision between a tanker and an SUV resulting in multiple pile ups and accidents, people being rushed to hospital and the place swamped with police and fire chiefs in case of an explosion, he couldn't help but smile dreamily as he watched her. She always looked so amazing on television. Hang those people who felt it added ten pounds, in his opinion it multiplied the woman's loveliness by ten instead.

"Look, it's Mommy." he whispered to Max quietly, pointing to the screen.

"What was that, Sir?" Minion asked, just barely over hearing that.

Megamind froze, and slowly lowered his arm so it looked like he had been stretching it, and not pointing at the screen. "Oh, uh, nothing. Nothing at all." Megamind said before sitting back down in his seat, eyes locked on Roxanne's face. Why had he said that? She wasn't Max's Mommy, he knew that! Uncomfortable at the prospect of thinking too hard on this Megamind instead chose to focus on the screen, on Roxanne's beautiful vision displayed on the screen.

The phone rang not fifteen minutes later, and Minion went to answer it. "Roxanne Ritchi's phone, this is Minion, helpful side kick and affiliate of Megamind!" he greeted before perking up. "Oh Ms. Ritchi! No, no troubles at all! We've given him a bit of a feed, read him some of the books and now he's sleeping!" the fish went on to explain as he looked over to Megamind who had moved to the recliner chair and was spread out on it, head resting back as Max dozed quite comfortably on his flat chest. "We saw you on the TV! Will you be long now? ...u-huh. Sure! We'll see you in half an hour, that's wonderful and-"

"My God what is that horrific stench?" Megamind asked, lifting his head and speaking a little louder than he should have but how could he help it with a horrible toe curling smell invaded his nostrils?

"Aaannnd I gotta go. See you!" Minion hung up and returned to the lounge as Max was, once more, beginning to whimper and complain. "Uh oh, smells like somebody needs a change."

"Change?" Megamind asked as he picked up Max, then seemed to feel what the problem was as soon as he placed the baby to his chest. "...he's... oh my God..."

"Quick!" Minion hurried to the faithful bag and pulled out the changing blanket, wipes, baby powder, plastic bag, and a diaper change. "Before it gets too bad!"

"Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross." Megamind chanted as he knelt on the floor and lay the squirming Max onto his back upon the blanket. "Okay okay... buttons..." he unbuttoned the tiny wolf suit and slid it off the baby, handing it to Minion. "Going to have to put on a different suit since that one reeks." he muttered.

Minion tossed it away as if it was radioactive.

Both aliens, the blue big headed one and the tiny fish, knelt on the floor before the small baby boy with a loaded diaper that was still in place. Neither of them wanted to be the one to open up the package of stinky doom but knew they had no other option. Swallowing, Megamind reached forward and picked at the two blue tabs on the diaper, and did his best to ignore the smiling cartoon character that was on the diapers front. He slowly opened it, and the second later he was scooting away from it, eyes wide. "Oh God oh God OH GOD!"

This made Max cry louder, and Minion flail in reaction. "Sir, Sir! Please!" the fish begged.

"It's revolting! How can something so tiny...!" Megamind asked, clasping his hands over his nose tightly. Minion wished he could do that too, but he had no chance of turning off his smell sensors in the suit. At all.

"Please Sir. Come on." Minion forced himself to remain calm, wanting to panic too but that would just scare the baby more and he didn't want Max still screaming when Ms. Ritchi got home.

Megamind wished he could wear his gloves, but he returned to the baby, and slowly slid the filled diaper out from under Max and bundled it into one of the plastic bags offered to him. Minion promptly ran with it to the bin in the kitchen and put it in. Then he carried the bin outside, and locked it out in the hallway where it wouldn't foul their air any more than it already had. Back to Megamind he had grabbed the wipes from the box and turned his head away as he lifted one of Max's legs and wiped him. "Disinfecting my hands, disinfecting my hands oh my God don't get under my NAILS..." he was chanting to himself before tossing the wipes into yet another bag which was thrown away to join the other one waiting in the hallway.

"N-now what?" he asked, feeling utterly revolting and wanting to chop his hand off.

"Um. Uh. Powder!" Minion said, picking it up and decided to do this part himself. He showered it over Max's lower half before letting his legs go slack again. "Okay, almost done. We just got to put on another one of these," he said reaching for the spare diaper when he heard something splashing though it was very light. Blinking, the fish looked down at his chest, then back at Max who was staring at him. "...did you just pee on me?" he asked flatly.

Megamind was doing his best not to laugh, really he was. Clean hand to his mouth he had turned away and was snorting loudly, so, so glad that it hadn't been him in his leather. Oh my God. Minion had been peed on. This was the most hilariously disgusting thing that had ever happened in the history of anything. But he shouldn't laugh, no. He shouldn't! Minion hadn't laughed when he'd wiped away all that pooey brown and green mess, so why should he laugh? "Mmffghh."

"Laugh and I'll throw that diaper at your head, Sir." Minion warned.

"Sorry!" Megamind squeaked in a high pitched voice before grabbing an extra wipe and quickly cleaned up Max before opening the diaper. "...wait, uh. Which is the front...?"

"It has that character on the front." Minion offered, doing his best to not go running from the room to wipe off the pee from his robot body's chest.

"Oh!"

Soon Max was cleaned and in a new diaper, and a new outfit. This one was a blue all in one which Megamind had found at the bottom of the baby bag. Both he and Minion used the bathroom in turn, cleaning hands, as well as chests, before returning to the lounge where things were cleared up and put back into the baby bag.

"That was so gross." Minion finally admitted.

"It was all kinds of gross." Megamind agreed.

Max, fed, watered, changed, and entertained, was soon fast asleep in Megamind's arms once more. The three boys were on the couch watching some kind of show where they were trying to figure out if elephants were indeed scared of mice. It was here when Roxanne finally got back in, cautiously carrying in her bin as she did.

"Uh, guys? Is there a reason why my bin's outside?" she asked.

Both Minion and Megamind gave her a pointed look, and it took her a moment to finally smell just why they'd done it in the first place. "Oh gross!" she cried and tossed the bin back outside and shut the door. She cautiously walked in, still holding her bag and jacket. "So uh… Things really went all right?" she asked.

"Besides Minion being peed on and my hand having to touch excrement from a baby's bottom it went perfectly fine." Megamind reported, before patting the space besides him. "Sit with me?" he asked.

Roxanne was going to point out she needed a shower after doing so much work in such a short amount of time. That the smell of petrol and diesel was still in her nose and she felt rushed and stressed but... seeing him sitting there, a sleeping baby Max in his arms and that welcoming, soft smile on his face she could do nothing but bend to his whim. Sighing, she let her bag and shoulder fall to the floor quietly before curling onto the couch besides him, resting her forehead on his shoulder as his free arm wrapped around her shoulders.

Minion smiled to himself as he watched the three, before turning his attention back to the television. No doubt he, as well as Megamind and Roxanne, would think about this moment, this night, a fair few times in the near to distant future. And while there were still speculations between the two about just how serious they would eventually become with one another in their lives, if they would go any further than what the two shared now, it was fun to make believe and to imagine the idea of them having a Max of their own one day.

No doubt Megamind would build a baby changing machine though if the opportunity ever produced itself. Since no way would he, or Megamind, approach a baby with a loaded diaper ever, ever again.

**End**


End file.
